Notebook

Oh.

2006-10-25T16:57:11Z

Happy birthday, Seto.

I suppose that means I've been seventeen for a little while now. I didn't realise it was so late in October.

I'm sorely tempted...

2006-10-01T21:44:00Z

... to make an entry that is simply "sigh". However, seeing as that's entirely unproductive and not the least bit indicatory of what's going on, I'll elaborate.

Recently, I was exploring my LiveJournal account in depth and discovered that certain people had been blocked from it. I did not do this. I reset the settings.

I received a letter instructing me to wear a kilt. Small difference from my normal attire now, so no, I'm not going to throw a fit over it. ~~I don't suppose it would have been too much to ask to be allowed a female's, but I'd rather not push my luck.~~

I suppose that's all.

[Sigh.]

Good news.

2006-09-17T23:12:40Z

School is truly resuming. Officially.

It's just like pressing refresh and watching the old, outdated webpage be cleared and replaced with the new, content-filled one. That's what it feels like -- a new year with everything starting over again. I don't think I've looked forward to something like this in a long time.

[Clean slate. It's like last year never happened. Fine.]

... I don't even mind that there's a crazy English band playing on the radio, or that the radio's been left on.

Um.

2006-08-26T20:45:34Z

[Changing an icon should not feel this different. It's... it's a nice drawing, yes, and it captures me well but... that. The old one. I told Yami I couldn't get rid of it, but I did. I can. I'm this. I've been this for a while. It's nothing to be ashamed of -- I'm not. I'm right. This is right. Seto's wrong. He's wrong. He thinks he never is but I'm right this time. I don't want to forget that ~~like I kept doing~~.

... Odd that staying in another house with things like kittens to occupy my thoughts can bring about this sort of mental refresh.]

Ha. I do believe I've won.

...

2006-08-16T02:24:25Z

[I'm unreasonable? Excuse me? How am I the one who's being unreasonable?! He-- I wish I hated him. Sometimes. ~~... But not really.~~

I'm at Yuugi and Yami's now. I can honestly say I've never been surrounded by so many living things that weren't plotting something negative against my person. The kittens are... quite adorable, really, but it's a trouble to keep them away from my laptop.]

I'm playing that game.

2006-08-11T04:47:49Z

You know. The one where you don't sleep for however long you can and consume vast amounts of caffeine in the process.

Yes. Doesn't that sound like fun? Who's going to join me?

Another month gone.

2006-07-25T23:56:46Z

It's nearly August. More news of school recommencing should come soon. [Not that it matters. I won't be here anymore. I'm going where Seto goes, and he's certainly not planning on staying.] It's kind of odd to imagine, really. It's been so long since I attended class, and longer since I actually had to worry about any sort of work being due.

[Do you know if you're going to be back in Japan for that 'Street Wars' epic your brother was organising? If so, am I still welcome at your house for a while?]

[Do you know where we're going yet?]

[I remember a lot of things from the last year, moreso than any of the previous. Going to University in America would be... uncomfortable. It's so strange. I never thought I'd have any more attachment to this place than as a school, and father's school at that, but... Last year was different. New. I daresay I rather enjoyed it, even with all the chaos and destruction.]

So...

2006-07-17T13:02:34Z

I'm back at home again. Kyoto was pretty boring, as far as travel goes. And lonely.

Follow-up.

2006-07-14T03:03:37Z

[They said cremation would be fine, but they're still going to wait another few days in case there's anything. It still sounds like I've been the only contact, so I've given them my address as I will no longer be in Kyoto after tomorrow. They said his 'personal effects' would be delivered with the ashes.]

[I won't say the cost. I'll deal with that myself.

... Curiousity. Idle. It was foolish of me, to read what someone intended for only themselves or certain others to see. With Diabound it was different... it was to help, to find him. No one but me compelled me to reading --invading-- this time. The last one... the screen for Yami, I shouldn't have read that. I did. Then the previous, and before that, and earlier, and even the first few screened comments, and it all makes more sense now than it did before.

It's like some sort of twisted poisonous version of Romeo and Juliet. Tragic. Fated to go wrong. Ending horribly. Two sides opposing, but it was different. A third option, another wheel. You can only have one proper pair -- what's left for the other piece to do?

I'll admit to having not paid enough attention while it was actually going on, but the traces of how much feeling there was still remain, boldly. Do the dead still feel? ... No, of course they don't. That's the nature of being dead. But what's left behind feels, hurts, twists. It's hard to believe how much they manage to influence reality, how one can picture it. How one can think.

... It makes me wonder what I would be driven to if Seto chose someone else. ~~He wouldn't.~~ It's not... an expected course, but he won't choose me. So long as he isn't going to anyone else I can be stubborn. ~~I'd like to think that even if he did, I could continue.~~ I'm not giving up. If there's one thing I've ever really, honestly wanted...]

Bah.

2006-07-12T15:07:34Z

I'm going home on Friday. I'm tired of it here.

[Now I remember why I really don't enjoy hacking the journals of others. I shouldn't have read anything.]

Hotel rooms are...

2006-07-03T23:17:47Z

Drab, tasteless, depressing and excruciatingly cramped. But I'm quite pleased to be here, all the same.

[Nevermind that all I've done is stay in here and watch 'The Fox and the Hound' in very well-done French. Awful movie. I've got to get a more extensive collection. ~~Nevermind that I only watch them when I'm upset and trying to distract myself. I shouldn't be upset right now but. Here I am.~~ Perhaps I'll watch Aladdin next. It, at least, has passable music.]

I'd hate to copy everyone...

2006-06-30T20:11:42Z

But since it seems everyone else in the school is travelling, I'm going to Kyoto. I shouldn't be gone longer than two weeks, really, but if I am, I wouldn't worry. It's quite likely I'm still alive, and merely don't feel like returning just yet.

[Ahahaha. Most everyone here will know already, but my clappy-baby, he has gone caput (or more specifically, 'sizzley') and needs to see the doctor. ;;]

Note to self:

2006-06-21T02:29:41Z

I have approximately one month remaining to find alternate lodgings for the 'Street Wars' escapade. I need to start looking in earnest.

That's all.

[I've been so tired of everything, lately. Nothing's worth doing. I wish I knew what Seto and I are going to do for the summer. He still wants to go to America. I... wouldn't argue, I wouldn't mind it myself, but I don't think it would be fair to leave Mokuba here with whomever decided to keep him, even if it honestly wouldn't be very different from when we were all children. ~~I wish we could go back to that, sometimes. It was simpler then. Other times I'm glad to be here now. What's the point in wanting to go back anyway? It's impossible.~~
A bond as brothers. I hope we can maintain that with Mokuba, if Seto and I do go. I'm not staying here if he leaves, even if he goes without me ~~which it didn't sound like he was planning on doing; that should make me feel better, but it doesn't~~. At least then I'd be able to say I'd successfully managed one relationship with a person in my family.]

There are only two reasons I did this meme.

2006-06-16T02:39:49Z

The first is that it appeared while I was bored and had just finished something. The second is that it doesn't press any very stupid questions. [And no one can see the answers that led to these results.]

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4.7
Mind:	4.7
Body:	6.9
Spirit:	3.5
Friends/Family:	2.7
Love:	0
Finance:	5.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

~~Honestly, I'm really not surprised.~~

Since no one else's going to say anything...

2006-06-12T23:29:04Z

Term has been over and school has been out officially since last Wednesday. So feel free to get the hell out of here and back where you belong with absolutely no consequences. If you plan on returning, be back on campus by late August.

[... Please stop ignoring me.]

It's been a long time.

2006-06-01T21:59:20Z

I played Dance Dance Revolution today. I don't think I've done that since before Christmas -- when the teachers tried to enforce it, because I'd gotten out of gym class with it as my excuse. It was refreshingly familiar, even if I was a bit slow. I still remembered most of the songs.

I do feel a bit more... upbeat than I have recently. It's nice.

[I think... I should probably try to take Damian's advice. It wasn't a really nice thing to hear, but I think I needed it. ~~And if I at least... try someone else, I'll have proof that it's just Seto. Not that that'll make any difference.~~]

:: Private ::

2006-05-29T20:28:29Z

This hurts. ~~And it shouldn't, because I never used to be this stupid and I used to be like that. It made sense then, and I should still be able to relate because I haven't changed all that much. Have I?~~

... I need to talk to someone outside of all this. Maybe that... Damian... I've still got his phone number.

~~I feel terribly young.~~

Strange.

2006-05-23T10:38:03Z

You never really notice how unnatural everything is here until you've not slept and you actually think about it. Or don't think about it. Whatever it is that occurs when your body and mind are so exhausted they can't focus on anything that makes sense, and choose instead to think about the ridiculous and the fantastic.

Honestly.

I wonder if I could pull off some kind of hacking service and actually get paid for it.

((All comments now screened.))

I am very much alive, thank you.

2006-05-11T22:06:24Z

Well. That was exhilarating.

[I have to say, my first experience with clubbing was interesting. At my first one of the evening (I wasn't sure which one was the best to be at, so I tried several), I met a man named Damian who said he liked 'guys like me' and that I was 'pretty cute'. Which I assume means he likes cross-dressers; I told him I was new to this kind of thing and was just trying things out ~~and I may have said that I was getting away from something~~. He offered me some time, "no strings attached if that's what you're looking for", but I declined. He was good about that I thought -- he didn't follow me anywhere afterwards, and wrote his name and number down on a napkin and gave it to me, asking me to call him if I ever changed my mind.

What was refreshing is that he didn't mock me or ask the going price or anything like that. Heck, he can't even contact me; I'm the one with the phone number. ~~Not to say he couldn't look it up if he really wanted to, but that's beside the point. The point is that he didn't want it. He wanted it to be my choice.~~

... I think I ended up in four different clubs including that first one, but by then it was getting towards four in the morning and my feet hurt a great deal. I'm not really used to women's shoes that well yet, and they were new. I went to a hotel then, and they didn't really ask any questions (probably because I was alone and sounded like I knew what I was doing) and slept until about noon.

Then I realised I'd forgotten to bring any kind of change of clothes with me, so I used that as an excuse to go buy new things while I was already downtown. I missed the first bus and the second was late, and really, I wasn't in all that much of a hurry to get back here so I took my time. ~~I think I am a bit off from 'mid afternoon', though.~~]

Hm.

2006-05-10T21:55:17Z

For the record, I haven't touched and don't plan on touching this 'Fly the Copter' game. I'm going out tonight, and probably won't be available until... about midday tomorrow.

[Maybe I am becoming a transvestite. My taste in music has morphed. ~~Andthissongmakesmefeellikecrying.~~]

:: Private ::

2006-05-08T12:52:25Z

[It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

Why? Why am I still doing this? Why when I know it isn't going to do anything? It's nothing. I keep saying it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, and it doesn't, and when what I think stops mattering that's a problem.

~~I wish... I could take it back. Everything. Idon'twanttobebymyself.~~

Why does it feel like a victory, still? Because I know that I can use the computer to convince anyone I'm anything and now I have proof?

~~If these are the results, maybe I'll resign as a 'computer-freak'.~~

I can't change how things are now. So I'll just keep on. I have to. No one's going to let me go quietly back to where I was before.

~~And I'd be too quiet. So quiet you'd never even hear me.~~]

:: Screened from Seto & all staff ::

2006-05-01T21:01:23Z

~~For the love of--~~

My legs are too short.

Public Service Announcement

2006-04-27T12:38:33Z

I am not a transvestite. I am cross-dressing. There's a difference, look it up.

Updated count:
782 phone messages.
10, 182 e-mails.
305 job offers.

:: Screened from Seto & Marik ::

2006-04-25T12:30:05Z

Current count:
~~398~~ 433 phone messages.
~~4, 856~~ 5,021 e-mails.
~~109~~ 172 job offers at various clubs around town.

I blame Marik for this entirely. I don't know if it actually was him, but I wouldn't accuse anyone else of something so... low. I'm thoroughly disgusted.

[But I want to blame Seto, too. If he hadn't been so... whatever he is, I wouldn't have to do this. I'm not quitting. It's going to take a lot more than this to make me give up.]

This photo taken with my webcam.

2006-04-22T23:46:58Z

That's in progress. I have to get the rest of the outfit on. But that's all I'm giving up online.

[Are you satisfied now? Isn't that what you wanted?]

[I'm sorry for what I said to you. It was uncalled for and out of line. And I told you I wouldn't care what anyone else thinks anymore.]

[Ehm. Please be to ignoring the fact that it's actually a woman. Please be to pretending it's Noa. ^.^]